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80 funny quotes about life that are bound to keep you laughing

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Witty funny

80 funny quotes about life that are bound to keep you laughing

Life can be complicated, difficult, and hard. That’s why laughter is such a key component to staying sane and happy. You can see the humor in your misery, and be able to move on to a happier place. Feel a little joy by reading some of these funny quotes about life that are bound to have you rolling on the floor in laughter.

 

1“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”
Al Pacino

 funny quote al pacino god bike forgiveness

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2“If only common sense were more common, then the world would be filled with more geniuses.”

 

3“You have to be odd to be number one.”
Dr. Suess

 

4“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”
Albert Einstein

 funny quote albert einstein stupidity genius

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5“I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.”
Albert Einstein

 

6“My house is a sanctuary of I don’t care.”

 

7“I am not arguing or stressing, I am simply explaining, why… I am right.”
– Anon

 funny quote anon arguing explaining right

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8“Don’t trust everything you see in life because even ketchup looks like hot sauce sometimes.”

 

9“It’s crazy to think I haven’t gone insane by now.”

 

10“Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.”
– Anon

 funny quote Anon cinderella shoes

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11“I’ve learned in life that it’s better to be a bear, that way you get to hibernate all winter.”

 

12“I’ve grown up enough to know that growing up sucks.”

 

13“After I’m dead I’d rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.”
Cato the Elder

 funny quote cato the elder dead monument

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14“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell … the name will carry.”
Bill Cosby

 

15“If life gives you lemons make some kind of fruity juice.”
Conan O’Brien

 

16“My favorite way to cook eggs is inside a delicious dessert.”

 funny quote egg dessert

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17“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”
Henny Youngman

 

18“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.”
Sam Levenson

 

19“I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy just with buns of cinnamon.”
Ellen Degeneres

 funny quote ellen degeneres cinnamon buns

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20“I don’t at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.”
Oscar Wilde

 

21“Whenever I open my wallet, my dollar bills try to run away.”

 

22“Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side because it’s fake.”

 funny quote grass greener fake

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23“Sometimes I wish I could just pause my job, and come back later when I felt like finishing it up.”

 

24“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”
Lily Tomlin

 

25“If you can’t convince them, confuse them.”
Harry S. Truman

 funny quote harry s truman convince confuse

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26“Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.”
William Dement

 

27“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”
Jack E. Leonard

 

28“In life, you must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.”
Jack Black

 funny quote jack black eyebrow

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29“The people who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable.”

 

30“Time has to be so lonely, he keeps killing off all his friends.”

 

31“Life is called karma, and it’s spelled got-cha.”

 funny quote karma gotcha

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32“You can’t undo yesterday, you can work on today, tomorrow, you will wonder how you screwed up 2 days in a row.”
Eddie Long

 

33“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on..”
Dean Martin

 

34“Life is short, laugh while your lungs still work.”

 funny quote laugh lungs

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35“Inflation is when you pay 15 dollars for the 10 dollar haircut you used to get for 5 dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing

 

36“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
Mark Twain

 

37“If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.”
Lawrence J. Peter

 funny quote lawrence j peter two wrong try three

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38“I rank my friends like I rate my favorite candy flavors. I’d prefer the cherry but the lemon will do just fine.”

 

39“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
Elbert Hubbard

 

40“I’m not lazy, I just like to live my life horizontally.”

 funny quote lazy life

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41“If you are feeling lonely, dim the lights and turn on a horror flick. Suddenly, you won’t be feeling lonely anymore.”

 

42“You know you’re lazy when you’re excited about doing absolutely nothing.”

 

43“I’m not running away from hard work. I’m too lazy to run.”

 funny quote lazy running away

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44“The only reason we say that the best things in life are free is because everything else in life is too unaffordable.”

 

45“I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
Woody Allen

 

46“Why learn a new language. My mom told me never to talk to strangers.”

 funny quote learn languages

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47“When something goes wrong in your life, just yell into a huge crowd, and pretend that everyone else has the problem.”

 

48“Yes, of course I am an athlete. I surf the television channels every day.”

 

49“Dear Life, I know you’re not fair. So, you can stop teaching me that lesson now.”

 funny quote life unfair

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50“I hate when people say ‘Nice to meet you’ before I’ve said anything. How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m an asshole!”
Jack Nickelson

 

51“If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get slapped in the face a lot.”

 

52“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”
Lily Tomlin

 funny quote lily tomlin rephase question love

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53“Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.”
Melanie White

 

54“Yesterday I did nothing. And today I’m finishing up what I started yesterday.”

 

55“Well-behaved women rarely make history.”
Marilyn Monroe

 funny quote marilyn monroe well behaved girl

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56“When I was small I thought all the money and fame in the world would bring me happiness. Now that I’ve grown up, I know that I was right.”

 

57“If life gives me lemons, I’m going to thank the sky for giving me free fruit.”

 

58“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kinfton

 funny quote miles kinfton tomato salad knowledge wisdom

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59“Why do people say ‘grow some balls’? Balls are weak and sensitive! If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina! Those things take a pounding!” 
Betty White

 

60“If you think about your past, someone’s therapist is diagnosing you right now.”

 

61“I’m sorry I act like a monster, but you’re blocking my morning coffee.”

 funny quote morning coffee

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62“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.”
Elayne Boosler

 

63“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” 
Johnny Carson

 

64“When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story”
Niel Patrick Harris

 funny quote niel patrick harris sad awesome

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65“I’m old enough to know this won’t turn out well, but young enough to do it anyways.”

 

66“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s, she changes it more often.”
Oliver Herford

 funny quote oliver herford woman mind cleaner

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67“To thrive in life you need three bones: a wish bone, a back bone, and a funny bone.”
Reba McEntire

 

68“I enjoy long romantic talks to my television.”

 funny quote romantic talk television

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69“I wish I could trade my heart for another liver so I could drink more and care less.”
Tina Fey

 

70“I don’t do drugs. I am drugs.”
Salvador Dali

 funny quote salvador dali drugs

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71“The right to be able to speak one’s mind does not include the right for me to listen”

 

72Silence is golden. Unless you have kids, then silence is suspicious.”

 funny quote silence goldern kids

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73“Opportunity is missed by most because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas Alva Edison

 

74“The divorce rate between my socks are at a new sky high!”

 funny quote socks divorce

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75“My room is like the movie Twister, I came into it and everything turned into a mess.”

 

76“You can basically say anything in an e-mail, text, or letter as long as you put lol at the end” 
Tracy Morgan

 funny quote tracy morgan lol

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77“If you’re offending by my description of you, take notes on how to not be a douchebag.”

 

78“Only when the tide goes out do you realize who’s been swimming naked.”
Warren Buffet

 funny quote warren buffet swimming naked

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79“We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth others are here for I don’t know”
W. H. Auden

 

80“Being old and wise is a bit too much for me. I think I’ll go back to being young and stupid.”

 funny quote young stupid

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